Introspection – Distrust in Relationships
To my friends, I’ve always given as much as I could, while demanding nothing. My joy in relationships come from helping the other. Giving advice, helping them achieve their goals, overcome their challenges, and understand themselves better… but I sure didn’t want anyone to know that.
I’ve spend most of my life believing that caring for others and wanting to help people is somewhat weird and unusual. Consequently, when helping people, I always made sure that they believe I only offer them help because they so badly need it, and surely not because I wanted to.
I’m a bit of a hypocrite though, as I do enjoy helping others, but I won’t allow anyone the pleasure of helping me.
Hmmm… If I needed them I believe they would probably be there for me… some of them… but yet, I can’t rely on that.
– Anyway, I started going down this path thinking that maybe some people (past friends) feel that they owe me, and I don’t let them repay.
Well, of course I won’t.
I believe this can be a cause of confusion… Perhaps they don’t understand my interest in them, don’t understand why it is I help them if they have nothing to offer in return. If they are unaware that I like helping, perhaps they feel in debt, which I never let them repay.
I’m not sure if this is right, and it doesn’t quite seem to make sense… but it does make me feel better… so I’ll adopt this belief.
Re-evaluation – Can People be Trusted?
I am well aware that I have trust issues. I don’t believe in people’s good will, or that they even care about others.
Weird… usually this thought makes a lot of sense, but it this time it just sounds wrong.
It made perfect sense a minute ago, but it doesn’t anymore… I mean, I am that. I am a person who wants to help others out of my own free will. I help people without wanting anything in return and I care about others without any reason or interest – so why would other people be any different?
What the Hell, why do I think others are so different than me?!
It’s because… because they aren’t trying as hard…
Naa, B.S.! It’s about my dad again.
Caring for us was a chore for him. Spending time with the kids was like a punishment to him.
He would work long hours, and we waited all day to see him, but when he finally get back home he would just say something like: “I worked hard all day, I’m too tired! Go to sleep, or just stay in your room or something!”
It all started with my dad…
My Relationship with My Dad
“SAY PLEASE! SAY PLEASE! SAY PLEASE! SAY PLEASE! SAY PLEASE! SAY PLEASE!”
You’re my dad, why don’t you want to hand me the fucking salt?! Why do you make me beg for firkin salt?!
He doesn’t care about my needs, not even one bit. It’s all about controlling me.
“If you want to stay in this house you will do as I say!” That’s how we were brought up.
Obey, and you get it. No other way! And that’s how it was, for as long as I lived there.
I wondered, could it be that other people don’t share that quality with me…? Could it be that ‘normal’ people don’t really care about each other’s needs?
I think that’s the reason I’m hiding this. I didn’t want people to know what I freak I am. I’m not like other people. I’m weird, different… unlike my dad, I care.
I was completely sure that I must be the only one.
Not trusting anyone wasn’t all bad though. On the bright side – I was never disappointed.
Friends left, I didn’t care. Friends came, I didn’t care.
When I needed someone, there was always no one. Very stable, highly predictable, and never disappointing.
Alright, there was this one time I got disappointed… OK, maybe two times.
Memory #1 – Kicked Out
This one time, I got kicked out the house for telling the truth.
One day I decided to try this trust thing again and tell my parents that I smoke weed. It went pretty well, and for a few months everything was nice and chill, but then…
One day my parents came back home from some kind of event. Apparently, they wanted to know more about it, so they went to one of those anti-drug lectures.
When they came back they only had one thing to say – “stop it, or get out of our house.”
But as I was trying to rebuild this whole trust thing, I decided that I shouldn’t lie to them. And since I’m really not sure that I can deal with school right now without smoking, and that would have caused a lot more problems, I couldn’t just stop.
So I left…
I went to a friend’s house, stayed there for a couple of hours… I told him I was kicked out, but he said that I can’t stay. His parents won’t allow it or something.
Fuck! This trust thing just keeps getting worse. Now my parents suck and my friends suck.
I started wondering around, looking for a place I can sleep in. It was cold and windy, so I looked around for a nice place where I would be protected from the wind and hopefully also the rain. Pretty much means walls and roof… not easy to come by…
My parents lived in this little gated community, not a city or anything like that. There was no homeless scene… just me out there, wondering the streets at night.
Then I ran into a couple of my brother’s friends and another guy I didn’t know. They were the only people out in the streets in the middle of a cold winter night.
I talked to them a little and told them I got kicked out and got nowhere to sleep. All I remember is that the guy I didn’t know immediately said “come stay at my place”, and I couldn’t really refuse.
We smoked some weed, and then went to his house. Where we smoked a bunch more weed and went to sleep.
The morning after, we woke up and had breakfast with his family. They were, by the way, a very nice and welcoming family.
The day went by, and I still didn’t hear a word from my parents. They don’t care about the truth, they don’t appreciate the fact that they only know about this because I trusted them and told them. I could hide it from them forever, but I couldn’t wait forever for them to understand that.
I decided that if they can’t understand the value of honesty in 24 hours, then I will lie to them. After 24 hours I will go back home. If they see their mistake and apologize I will remain honest, but if they won’t, then honesty is off the table, for good.
And so it was. After about 24 hours I came back home, my parents insisted that I stop smoking and I told them I will.
About 4 or 5 years after that I left home, and in this entire time, they haven’t caught me once. If they want to live in a dream of control, then they shall.
Needless to say that the trust experiment failed miserably.
Memory #2 – My First Car
A while after that incident, I bought my first car, and no one in the entire family was willing to help me with that. I didn’t expect anything else really… but I gave it a shot anyway.
I found a car on my own, went to look at it on my own, and decided to buy it (not that I knew anything about cars back then).
I spent a whole day with the money in my pocket and went to get the car after school, but there was a little problem. Apparently, at 17, I was old enough to have a driver license, but not yet old enough to register a car on my name. Makes no sense, but there’s really nothing I can do now. I need an adult, fast.
So I called my father, told him I already paid but can’t transfer the ownership, and I need him to come and have it registered under his name. For my surprise, he came right away and we got everything sorted.
… I’m still not quite sure why he did that… and we never really talked about that. Maybe he doesn’t hate me. Maybe he just doesn’t know any better, just like I didn’t know any better.
Goddamn, being a teenager… Old enough to know that you don’t know, but too young to figure it out. It’s a period of pure frustration.
Not trusting anyone has served me well.
When unable to trust anyone, you must learn to rely on yourself. 100%! Only on yourself – “My way or the Highway.” Living a life full of self-confidence – not because I thought I was that great – but simply because I was my only option.
But now it’s time to let go – Time to give up the spotless self-confidence and trust people once more – even though they can let me down.
Why? I don’t know… It feels right.
To take the next step, I need to do this.